Last night was the 5th time I’ve been in finals for a team, my 4th finals show, and my 11th pro cheer audition overall in the DC area. Not to toot my own horn, but I know I’m good. I know I’m good enough to be on any of these teams. But like the story of my life, I’m never noticed enough…I’m always overlooked. I’m the girl that always tries so hard and works so hard for what I want and I never get it. People see how hard I try. I’m constantly hearing “this is your year”, “the team needs blondes this year”, “you’ve tried out so many times, it’s definitely your turn”, etc. It’s never my turn…
Just to preface this, I’ve had self-esteem and self-confidence issues ever since I was about 13. I had terrible cystic acne all through high school and into my early 20’s. I was extremely shy as well and I didn’t want anyone to look at me because I was so embarrassed of my skin. I would look at the floor when I walked (which has affected my posture to this day…I’m trying really hard to correct it), I wouldn’t look people in the eye when I talked either. Because I was so insecure in high school, I only had about 3 friends, I would eat lunch by myself if my lunch time wasn’t with one of my 3 friends, I kept a stash of movies in my backpack and would go to my math teachers classroom during free periods and watch my movies (because I didn’t have anyone to hang out with), and I was an easy target for bullies (aka, other super insecure people who tried to make others’ lives miserable to feel better about themselves.)
Due to all of this, the fact that I’ve been able to audition for these pro cheer teams blows my mind. I’ve come so far and I’m so proud of the person I’ve become. You literally would not think high school me, and 2019 me are the same person. I’ve been able to get up on stage in a bikini and give a speech (twice), I’ve had the opportunity to perform in front of thousands of people at some of the most well-known venues in the DC area (Capital One Arena, The Fillmore Silver Spring, and MGM just to name a few), and I’ve become friends with some of the most incredible, powerful, amazing women this world has to offer. I’ve gained so much from auditioning and I don’t regret chasing this dream for one second.
I’m not going to lie though…it’s been really difficult to see girls I’ve become so close with get on teams and I don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so proud of them and excited that their hard work has all paid off, but a (large) part of me can’t help but get jealous. Why hasn’t my hard work paid off? Why hasn’t my resilience paid off? What am I doing so wrong that no one will tell me I’m doing wrong that’s preventing me from making it? I’ve been auditioning since I was 19 and I’m about to be 27 in less than a month. I’m tired, I’m burnt out, I’m emotionally drained, and my wallet is drained (auditioning’s expensive y’all).
The thing is though, my heart wants this so bad but my mind is questioning if it’s time to hang up my boots. Is this dream just unattainable for me? Is it foolish to keep putting in the work and spending the money if making a team is just not in the cards for me? How do other girls who make the decision to quit working towards their goals figure out this is not for them?
And the thing that’s probably most upsetting is that Cj and I were obviously talking about getting married in the (very) near future and starting a family. I remember we were having a conversation about it in fall of 2017. After his nephew was born, he was starting to get baby fever real bad. I told him I need one more year of auditioning and if I don’t make a team, I’ll be done and we can move on with our life together. I can’t help but think if he was here, I’d probably be married or at least planning a wedding, I could be pregnant, my life would be going down a completely different path but I’d be so happy with it. I also, wouldn’t have endured the disappointment of not making the team this time. But again, that dream wasn’t in the cards for me either. My dream to marry and have a life with my best friend was taken away from me as well. I didn’t have a choice about that dream though.
I’m beginning to wonder if all my dreams are completely unattainable and I just need to find something better to do. I wish God would give me an obvious sign to tell me what I should do because if he’s dropping hints, they’re going way over my head. And there’s really no good ending to this story…sometimes, I just need somewhere to vent and get my thoughts out…
But I really am happy for all my friends who made the team last night and I’m so excited to see them living their dreams out on the field. And I especially want to give a shout out to my girl Kaitlin…she’s been resilient and hasn’t given up and this is finally her year and I’m so excited to see her kill it!