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Simply Sarena

Simply Sarena

Home | Blog | The Universe Failed Me…(Losing My Love at 25 | Part 5)

The Universe Failed Me…(Losing My Love at 25 | Part 5)

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widow, young widow, loss of spouse at young age, loss of spouse, questioning faith, questioning my faith, grief, dealing with grief, life after loss of spouse, my boyfriend died, young love, loss of soulmate, loss of bestfriend, life after death, young widower

2017 was the best year of my life. I had everything going right for me. I had a job that wasn’t my dream job but it wasn’t bad, I was captain of a pro cheer team, and I was in the best relationship I could ever ask for. I was experiencing happiness and joy I never knew existed and was living the life I prayed about since high school.

Let me give a little back story…

In high school I was super insecure. I had severe cystic acne (more on that story here.) I was bullied a lot by a bunch of kids but especially by a girl who was my best friend until our junior year. We had a falling out and she went out of her way to make my life miserable and to get other girls to make my life miserable as well. Guys in high school never failed to let me know that my sister was soooo pretty and I’m not pretty like she is. I HATED school. I went to community college and transferred to GMU. I didn’t live on campus, I commuted and worked after class so I wasn’t involved in school like other kids who lived there. I started trying out for all the pro cheer teams in the area because dancing brought me so much joy (and still does), but with that I always got cut.

In 2017, me and CJ had been together for a while and we had such an amazing relationship. We constantly talked about getting married and right before he passed away, we even decided when and where we would have our wedding. In 2017, I finally made a team (Valor) and not only did I make it, I was captain! I was so strong in my faith in God because my prayers were finally being answered. I was sooo happy!

Everything came crashing down all at once. I lost the life I had always dreamed about. When people say a part of them died too, I always thought it was just an expression…it’s not. A part of me literally died too. My physical body was functioning but my soul may as well have been dead. My life as I knew it died. My future died. CJ and I’s future children and grandchildren died. Heck, they never even had a chance to be born! A different family is adopting our Samoyed dog Ka-Ci. A different couple is buying our dream house. We never had a chance to live our dreams.

This is the first time I truly feel God failed me. Through my rough high school and anti-social college life, I thought for sure God had something greater planned. I clung to that faith because I knew things just had to fall into place. I thought there’s no way God would make me live a miserable life by circumstance. And when I thought I was there and God was looking out for me and had my best interests in mind, he ripped my world out from under me. He took away the person who changed my life for the better and brought me so much joy and happiness.

I know some super strong people cling to their faith in times of tragedy, but I’ve turned from it. I guess I’m not as strong as people think I am. How can I hold on to it when He ruined the rest of my life? It’s not like I’m 70 and don’t have much longer, I just turned 26!  I could have 70 years left in me, who knows. And, can you believe this…a month after CJ passed, when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse and the only thing that kept me going was Valor auditions coming up, I get an email that Valor decided not to have cheerleaders this season.

I’m still adjusting to a new normal I never wanted. It’s not the worst “normal” but it’s definitely not near as good as my life was before. I definitely feel lonelier than I ever have everyday. My friends and family are always there for me but sometimes, especially when I’m feeling really crappy, CJ is the only one I want to talk to. He’s the only one who could make me feel better. No one will ever be able to fill his shoes. He was seriously the best ever.

I’m starting to think life is just one giant nightmare and I’ll really live when I die and I can spend eternity with CJ.

May 6, 2018 · Leave a Comment

Previous Post: « He Should Be Here… (Losing My Love at 25 | Part 4)
Next Post: Sometime You Have to Hit Rock Bottom Before Things Get Better (Losing My Love at 25 | Part 6) »

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Hey! It is nice to meet you!

I’m a Northern Virginia based Integrative Nutrition Coach, a Toxin Free Lifestyle enthusiast, and a dog mom to my sweet girl, Miss Cammie. I’m also a dancer who’s obsessed with Lilly Pulitzer, and I’m a dark chocolate lover!

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This holiday season flew by! I hope everyone had a This holiday season flew by! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and have a Happy New Year! 🎊 ♥️🥂

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Snacks don’t have to be junk and snacks can be quick, easy, and made with REAL FOOD! 

Swipe through for some of my favorite snacks!

🥑 Avocado Toast: I use @foodforlifebaking sprouted grains gluten free bread, spread a ripe avocado on it, and top it with some everything bagel seasoning. To pack for work, I pack the avocado separately then spread it over the toast when I’m ready to eat it.

🥜 Rice Cake & Nut Butter: I use @lundbergfarms rice cakes and top it with some peanut butter or almond butter. Sometimes, I even add cacao nibs on top. 

🍇 Yogurt & Fruit: I like the @foragerproject plain cashew yogurt and I add blueberries to it! 

🍌 Banana (or other fruit) & Nut Butter: One of the quickest, go-to snacks for me is peanut butter and banana. It’s sweet, salty, and filling! I use organic, natural peanut butter (the only ingredient should be peanuts). 

🥕 Hummus and Veggies or Crackers (or both): I love the Wegmans red pepper hummus (check the ingredients...the one I like is made with olive oil, the others are made with canola oil 🤢) paired with @marysgonecrackers or organic veggies! 

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Regenerative Agriculture can pretty much save the Regenerative Agriculture can pretty much save the planet 🌎 

Me and a few of my girlfriends went to a pumpkin patch with a corn maze and the clues through the corn maze were all about regenerative agriculture! 

Regenerative agriculture doesn’t use pesticides or herbicides like roundup which add loads of toxic chemicals into the environment and our food. They don’t till the land which depletes the soil. The soil then turns to dirt which you can’t grow anything in. Dirt also doesn’t absorb water the way soil does which can lead to natural disasters like floods and fires. No monocropping...diversifying your crops produces more food and if you plan accordingly, crops can help other crops grow by protecting them from pests or even too much sunlight! 

Random post for a Sunday night, but visiting a farm that uses regenerative agriculture was inspiring and reminded me why it’s so important and how much work we need to do to fix our food system! 🌾🌽🥦🍅🥕

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🌱Having a good skincare routine as well as diet 🌱Having a good skincare routine as well as diet and lifestyle play a big part in the condition of your skin! My latest blog post goes into detail on my skincare routine and the ingredients in the products I use, as well as diet and lifestyle tips to get nice skin! 

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🌱Today is Health Coach Day!!!🌱 My journey s 🌱Today is Health Coach Day!!!🌱

My journey started about 10 years ago with my skin issues, which turned out to be gut issues manifesting in my skin. 

The gut issues I was having was due to a poor, gluten heavy diet. My body was struggling to properly digest gluten which was causing me sinus issues and headaches on top of my skin problems. 

I cut out gluten, healed my gut, and cured my acne, headaches, sinus problems, and allergies! These problems are all caused by inflammation! Most chronic illnesses are caused my inflammation and if you don’t address the source and just take a pill to mask the symptoms, you will never be cured. 

I’m so thankful for my journey, because it led me to @nutritionschool where I learned how to help others heal themselves and reach their health and wellness goals! 

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