2017 was the best year of my life. I had everything going right for me. I had a job that wasn’t my dream job but it wasn’t bad, I was captain of a pro cheer team, and I was in the best relationship I could ever ask for. I was experiencing happiness and joy I never knew existed and was living the life I prayed about since high school.
Let me give a little back story…
In high school I was super insecure. I had severe cystic acne (more on that story here.) I was bullied a lot by a bunch of kids but especially by a girl who was my best friend until our junior year. We had a falling out and she went out of her way to make my life miserable and to get other girls to make my life miserable as well. Guys in high school never failed to let me know that my sister was soooo pretty and I’m not pretty like she is. I HATED school. I went to community college and transferred to GMU. I didn’t live on campus, I commuted and worked after class so I wasn’t involved in school like other kids who lived there. I started trying out for all the pro cheer teams in the area because dancing brought me so much joy (and still does), but with that I always got cut.
In 2017, me and CJ had been together for a while and we had such an amazing relationship. We constantly talked about getting married and right before he passed away, we even decided when and where we would have our wedding. In 2017, I finally made a team (Valor) and not only did I make it, I was captain! I was so strong in my faith in God because my prayers were finally being answered. I was sooo happy!
Everything came crashing down all at once. I lost the life I had always dreamed about. When people say a part of them died too, I always thought it was just an expression…it’s not. A part of me literally died too. My physical body was functioning but my soul may as well have been dead. My life as I knew it died. My future died. CJ and I’s future children and grandchildren died. Heck, they never even had a chance to be born! A different family is adopting our Samoyed dog Ka-Ci. A different couple is buying our dream house. We never had a chance to live our dreams.
This is the first time I truly feel God failed me. Through my rough high school and anti-social college life, I thought for sure God had something greater planned. I clung to that faith because I knew things just had to fall into place. I thought there’s no way God would make me live a miserable life by circumstance. And when I thought I was there and God was looking out for me and had my best interests in mind, he ripped my world out from under me. He took away the person who changed my life for the better and brought me so much joy and happiness.
I know some super strong people cling to their faith in times of tragedy, but I’ve turned from it. I guess I’m not as strong as people think I am. How can I hold on to it when He ruined the rest of my life? It’s not like I’m 70 and don’t have much longer, I just turned 26! I could have 70 years left in me, who knows. And, can you believe this…a month after CJ passed, when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse and the only thing that kept me going was Valor auditions coming up, I get an email that Valor decided not to have cheerleaders this season.
I’m still adjusting to a new normal I never wanted. It’s not the worst “normal” but it’s definitely not near as good as my life was before. I definitely feel lonelier than I ever have everyday. My friends and family are always there for me but sometimes, especially when I’m feeling really crappy, CJ is the only one I want to talk to. He’s the only one who could make me feel better. No one will ever be able to fill his shoes. He was seriously the best ever.
I’m starting to think life is just one giant nightmare and I’ll really live when I die and I can spend eternity with CJ.