You can’t plan anything in life. Plans always change…sometimes they change and the best thing that could ever happen happens! But sometimes, one event changes your entire life. You can make all the plans you want in life, but God’s plan is “greater” than your plan. It’s so hard to understand why things happen the way they do. Maybe some things are not meant to be understood. It’s kind of ironic that one of my last posts before my life got turned upside down was about how I set up my planner. I didn’t even use my 2018 planner for 2 weeks before I stopped planning anything.
Cj was never someone to plan. One of my favorite memories was when Cj and I ended up with VIP tickets to a Washington Capitals game. Cj’s brother and his wife bought tickets for the SAME game MONTHS in advance. The night before the game, Cj called me asking if I wanted to go to the game because he had FREE VIP tickets! One of his friends got them from his boss at work and he invited Cj and I to come with him. We got to sit 3 rows from the glass, plus we got free food and drinks all night! When Cj didn’t plan and just went with the flow, great things happened!
Cj and I had plans for tomorrow, next month, next year…all of those plans died with him. The last conversation we had we were talking about hanging out tomorrow. We were trying to decide what to do and he said,”We’ll do something fun tomorrow, promise!” That “tomorrow” was the second most heartbreaking day of my life. Second only to the following day when he passed.
I haven’t even looked at my planner since then. I can’t bear to see what I had “planned out” for that weekend. My life took an extremely devastating turn. I would have never guessed that 2 months from then, I’d be living back at home with my parents, that I’d have a puppy of my own to comfort me, that I’d cry every day (literally! Not a day goes by that I don’t cry and wish so bad that this was all a terrible nightmare.) But I also never “planned” on trying out for every local pro cheer team, having a new position at work that I like SO much better than working in the call center I was in before, and that I’d be as close to Cj’s family as I am now. (Not that we weren’t close before, but when something so devastating happened, it brought us to a level I never thought was possible and there are no words to express how thankful I am for them.)
I don’t plan anything anymore. I’ve literally been going with the flow, doing what I want to do when I want to do it, not worrying about the time…I’m just living life the best way I can. Some days are definitely more difficult than others. There’s still plenty of days I struggle to get out of bed, that I’m on the verge of tears all day and the littlest thing can set me off. But I’m getting through it…just taking everything one day at a time and counting down the time until I can see my love again and trying to make the most of my time here on earth until that day comes.