Today is Easter Sunday. It’s my first holiday without him. Last year, I spent Easter with CJ and his family. Today, I spent the morning at church trying to get through service without crying. I got to my car and cried almost the whole way home. I would have LOVED to have spent Easter with CJ and his family again and knowing it’s not possible to spend any holidays with CJ anymore completely breaks my heart. Today I ended up spending the afternoon at Walmart getting my sweet puppy Easter goodies. My puppy always makes me feel better when I’m a total mess.
It’s been about 2 and a half months and the reality of CJ’s passing is as difficult to handle today as it was when it happened. If anything, it’s almost harder. It’s harder moving on in life without him. Going places we frequented feels lonely. Resisting the urge to call or text him is so hard and makes me so sad! (I still text him…)
The things I used to look forward to don’t make me happy anymore. I almost dread them because I know I can’t do them with him anymore. We used to love going to concerts together. That’s how we spent so many weekends during the summer. Seeing the WMZQ summer lineup gave me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know I’ll never go to another concert with him. Dierks Bently and LANCO are coming to Jiffy Lube Live this summer together. I know for a fact that if CJ were here, we’d be getting a big group together for that concert. Those were 2 of our favorites! And “our song” is a song by LANCO. It completely breaks my heart that if I end up going, I have to go without him.
The company I work for is moving our headquarters this month across the street from CJ’s old apartment complex. I went on a tour of the new HQ a couple weeks ago. Every time I looked out the window, I was expecting to see CJ walk down the street with his precious pup Jojo. His old apartment complex is in plain view from the building I’ll be working in. It terrifies me that I’ll have to go to work everyday and feel so sad and empty and have to look at his building expecting him to walk out any minute when I know in my heart he never will. I have to look around at all the restaurants we went to all the time and the movie theater we saw many movies at on $5 Wednesdays and know I’ll never go to those places with him again.
Sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind! I feel like I’m going to lose it one day and sit outside the door to his apartment bawling. Or end up on the deck of his apartment and scare the crap out of the new tenants! (He was on the first floor.)
I hate thinking about my future without him so I try not to think about it. I don’t want my future to be without him but I don’t have another choice. It’s the worst feeling ever.
Nothing about any of this gets easier. The people who say it gets easier are liars… The only thing that gets easier is putting a smile on my face and pretending I’m okay.