It’s Not Fair…(Losing My Love at 25 | Part 2)

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Working in a call center for a credit union, I got a lot of “Why are you charging me this $29 overdraft fee? It’s not fair” calls. Well you know what sweetheart on the other end of the phone, Life’s not fair! You think getting charged $29 when you weren’t paying attention to your balance isn’t fair? Having to spend the rest of my life wondering what CJ and I could have been isn’t fair.

CJ was the sweetest, most caring, accepting person ever. He was always thinking of others and making sure everyone was comfortable and having a good time. He didn’t like conflict or drama and was always trying to diffuse uncomfortable situations. He was the kind of person everyone should strive to be.

Shortly after his passing, there was yet another school shooting. It makes me wonder why with such terrible people in this world, do the good people have to die. Why do these people who do the unthinkable and take the lives of others get to live and CJ had to die? It makes no sense! It’s not fair!

Right after meeting CJ, I felt in my heart that I didn’t ever want to live without him. But now I have to. He was the first guy to treat me better than I thought was possible. He treated me exactly how I wanted to be treated by my significant other. I was so insecure before I met him, but he made me feel so sure of myself and so confident in myself. He embraced all of my flaws and always made me feel like the most amazing girl he’s ever met.

I keep seeing all these couples on Facebook and Instagram getting engaged, married, and having babies. It makes me feel like a terrible person because I should be happy for them but inside, I’m so jealous and angry that they get to enjoy life with the one they love and I’ll never get to experience that with the only one I want to experience it with. It’s not fair.

What did I do to deserve losing the man I was going to marry? What did I do to have my best life cut so short? I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never get to spend the rest of my life with the most incredible man I’ve ever met. That we’ll never have the wedding we talked about and that I had all planned out on Pinterest. That we’ll never get to buy the house we’ve been dreaming of with a wrap around porch and gazebo. That we’ll never get to have the kids that we’d already named. That we’ll never get to have our Samoyed dog that we’d talked about getting once we got a place with a big enough yard.

It’s not fair CJ and I missed my work’s holiday party for his memorial service. It’s not fair that the week after he passed, I was shopping for a dress for his service instead of a dress for the party. It’s not fair we’ll never get to go to another concert or game together, or spend another holiday together.

And the worst part is waking up every morning thinking I had a terrible dream, realizing it’s not a dream…it’s my life now. I have to live knowing this forever.

It’s hard hearing people complaining about dumb things like overdraft fees not being fair. It’s so hard to take them seriously when they’re so lucky that their biggest problem of the day is a silly overdraft fee. I’d love to tell those people I’d take as many overdraft fees that it’s possible to charge someone if I could have CJ back…I’d do anything to have him back. Life’s not fair, better get used to it.