He Should Be Here… (Losing My Love at 25 | Part 4)

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Grieving Blog, widow blog, young widow, loss of spouse, my boyfriend died, my fiance died, my husband died, young death, death blog, loss of spouse at young age, dealing with grief, grief blog

This week has been an exhausting, emotional, exciting, crazy, whirlwind. Last Saturday I tried out for the Redskins Cheerleaders. The Redskins were CJ’s favorite NFL team so I just had to try out for him! Last Sunday was CJ’s birthday. He would have been 29. I found out I made it to Redskins finals on CJ’s birthday.

On CJ’s birthday after I found out I was going to finals, I was headed to his parents house to spend the evening with his family. When I was about to turn into their neighborhood, our favorite song of the past few months came on the radio. I hadn’t heard it in a few weeks. I know it was CJ letting me know he was with me on an exciting but difficult day.

All week, every drive to finals rehearsal, I would break down and cry wishing so badly I could tell CJ about it and hear his enthusiasm and support for me. It was so bitter sweet because I was so proud of myself for making it that far and I know he would be so proud of me if he was here, but he’s not here and he should be here.

At the finals showcase, I wanted nothing more than for him to be there cheering me on. I was so thankful for all my friends in the audience screaming my name, but one voice was missing. I wanted to hear his voice so badly just like I did at every Valor game last season. Him and his friends were always the loudest group of fans. But they really made everyone, including all the staff and security feel special. I remember one game, CJ and his friends were going around the arena getting all the ushers and security’s autographs. They would ask, “Why do you want my autograph?! I’m not important!” CJ would tell them “You’re so important! This game couldn’t happen without you!” He was so right too. The game really couldn’t go on without all the ushers and security and he made sure they knew it! He always supported everyone and made everyone feel appreciated.

I didn’t make the Redskins Cheerleaders…the only thing I wanted to do after I left the theater was to curl up on the couch with CJ, his sweet pup Jojo, a glass of wine, ice cream, and watch friends. My heart breaks everyday knowing he’s missing everything! He’s always been my number 1 fan through all my auditions, photo shoots, games (when I’m on a team), everything. When I do make another team, of course I’ll be ecstatic, but it’ll definitely be hard knowing he won’t physically be there to support me. He won’t be in the stands making me and all the other cheerleaders laugh. He won’t be there to not only be my number 1 fan, but also support all the other girls on the team.

I hate thinking about everything CJ is missing and everything that I will have to do without him. I wish more than anything everyday that he was here. He should be here! I still haven’t accepted that I have to spend the rest of my life without him. I don’t know if I’ll ever accept it. I know he’ll always be supporting me from heaven, but it’s definitely not the same as him being here. I’d do anything to go back in time and have him back. I’ll miss him everyday for the rest of my life and I’ll always think he should be here.