Month: August 2018

Sometime You Have to Hit Rock Bottom Before Things Get Better (Losing My Love at 25 | Part 6)

This summer has been a rock bottom rollercoaster. There have been times I felt trapped in my circumstances, times I’ve done really dumb things and faced the (really bad) consequences, and times I’ve just completely lost it and yelled at CJ for leaving me here.

With the support of my amazing friends and family, I’m still here and I’m doing much better. Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom before things can get better. For me, my “rock bottom” situations were a huge reality check that I need to make some big changes. I can’t keep going down the path I was headed down. CJ has been there for me every step of the way which is so comforting. He leaves me (sometimes very obvious) hints that he lined things up for me or that he led me to certain things. He’s helping me climb out of the hole I’ve been sinking in since he’s been gone.

The first big change I made was getting a new job with a new company. I was completely MISERABLE at my old job. Even though I was so unhappy with my position, it was a very difficult decision to leave. When I first got hired at that company, I thought I would be there for a long time. The company was great however the department I was in/position were not a good fit for me at all. I would sit outside CJ’s apartment window during my lunch breaks and cry and I would come home every day in a terrible mood just wanting to quit. Eventually my dad talked me into looking for a new job. On July 30, I started a new job that I really like and I think I’m good at it too. I’m so much happier at my new job and I know CJ had everything to do with it.

CJ drops me hints he’s with me all the time

When I was on my way to the interview, I was driving down the road the office is located on and his name was all over it…literally. Cameron park, Cameron townhomes, Cameron street, like his name was literally all over the road!

The interview went really well and I was told in the interview that I would be getting an offer letter in my email. I left almost in tears because I knew CJ had this job set up for me.

Also, the craziest thing happened to me this past week. Last weekend, something pretty rough happened. I hit my lowest low and told my mom everything that’s been going on with me. I was so upset with myself and missing CJ so much. The beginning of this past week was filled with a lot of tears and frustration.

On Wednesday night, I sat in my room, staring at CJ’s picture crying and talking to him. I told him that I lived my best life with him and since he’s been gone, I can’t live my best life…I don’t even know how to, but I want to live a life that you (CJ) would be proud of.

I pulled myself together and came out of my room and my mom was coming up the stairs with my dog. My dog and my sister’s dog were going at it and my mom brought my dog up to me so she would settle down. I sat down next to the bookshelf in the hall to play with my dog for a little bit. I happened to turn around and look at the bookshelf and Sadie Robertson’s (from Duck Dynasty) book “Live Original” was sticking out. I pulled it all the way out and started reading it.

He’s always there for me when I need him the most

In her introduction, she says “I hope it (her book) will encourage you to be a new kind of different and to live original. After all, that’s where you’ll find your very best self and your very best life.” I got chills when I read that because that’s literally what I was just talking to CJ about! CJ knew this book would help me get in a better mindset so he pulled it out for me to read.

I know CJ wouldn’t want me to live a miserable life and I know he is probably disappointed with some of my actions recently, but I’m trying to get better, make good decisions, and make positive changes. I know he’s with me, supporting me every step of the way and I know he’s still here with me, guiding me through life. I’ll always love him so much and I always want to be someone he would be proud of.